Self-care vs. Selflessness
Selfless.
What does that really mean? For me, it’s not a word that I thought about for most of my life. Sure, there are aspects of selflessness that I thought about or assumed I was doing but the word itself isn’t something I focused on. For me, being selfless was hand in hand with the following ideas and concepts.
Kindness
Being nice
Helpful
Going out of your way to make someone smile
Doing something you don’t want to do because it is the “right” thing to do
Volunteering
One of my favorite quotes is by Audrey Hepburn.
“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”
A biblical verse that goes along with this, 1 John 3:17-18, “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”
As I became a mother, I remember advice after advice presented to me to take time for myself. Whatever that may be, for many it is getting hair and nails done, others going for a walk, taking uninterrupted showers, or driving to the grocery store alone. Whatever it may be because “you can’t help others unless you help yourself first.” You can’t pour from your metaphorical cup if it is empty. That makes sense right? That makes sense even if you’re not a mother -if you’re empty how can you be there for another person in any relationship? If I’m stressed out of my gourd and haven’t showered, or had time to fix myself food, how am I going to have the time and energy to pour into my precious little child who deserves a mommy at her best? How can I be my best self for my child and my family if I’m not taking care of myself?
So, is self-care a colliding principle with being selfless?
Let’s talk about the definition of selfless
My husband pointed out that selfless means “less self”. As in, not the absence of self. However, my definition of selflessness, as has been shaped by my life experiences is the complete absence of self. The definition from Oxford languages says, “concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own; unselfish.”
Which is true? What does God really want from us?
Are we to care for ourselves before we care for others -and does that make us selfish?
Is selflessness in opposition to self-care?
After much consideration, prayer, and reading, I believe the answer is no. We’ll get into some scripture of what bible has to say too but first...
The story of how all this reflection got started.
My husband and I got into some arguments that I will humbly share with you. I was pouring all my time and energy into taking care of our child, trying to keep up with the house, being pregnant, working on various projects, and he didn’t feel that I was doing anything “selfless” for him. I painfully remember him saying to me, “What do you do that is selfless for me?” Boy did that incite some rage and hurt. How could he not see ALL that I was doing? My cup was empty. There was no more left of me to give and as I write this I can feel big fat tears daring to run down my cheeks because it made me feel like I was not good enough. And boy, once I get past that initial beat down, in true Holly fashion, the fire is lit. It caused me to be downright defensive -which was not exactly helpful in uncovering what was happening in our relationship dynamic.
When I tried to think of things I did that were selfless, by my definition, I couldn’t come up with a thing. Ouch.
Fixing the coffee - I benefit from drinking it, even smelling it if I decide not to have some is reason enough to make it.
Going to bed early with our toddler so my husband can get hours of uninterrupted “me” time -that wasn’t even wholly selfless because my toddler (this started as a baby) simply wouldn’t sleep without momma -so I had a better chance at “me” time if I went to bed early to get the kid to sleep and then try to wake up early.
Helping clean out my Grandma’s house -Not my go-to for fun but I enjoy spending time with my parents even if working, and I totally inherited nice things.
Being nice to someone at the grocery store? Nope. It makes ME feel good if I make someone else feel good, which can’t be selfless because I get something from it -right?
Washing the mountain of pots, pans, and dishes I didn’t use -selfless? Wrong -because darn-it I want my kitchen to be clean!
Now my husband had his long list of things he did that he considered “selfless” which caused this awful idea that our scales were wildly unbalanced. So in the end, the problem was that my husband wasn’t feeling loved. It wasn’t that I wasn’t doing “nice” things -it just wasn’t things that made him feel loved. He felt like he was pouring his cup into me with “selfless” acts until he was empty. Since we defined selflessness differently I perceived his efforts very differently than how he intended them -as if he was doing things for himself. My cup was all being poured into things that make our world go round but not things that refilled his cup -so, at the end of the day, 2 spouses with empty cups make for one disgruntled relationship.
If you’re thinking this was a communication problem, you’re right. We’ve had many discussions (and revisited the Love Languages) to figure out what we each need to refill each other’s cups so that neither of us is ever totally empty.
I am so grateful that a Christian friend of mine listened carefully to me one evening as I lamented what a selfish person I am. She later pointed out that “Jesus is our perfect example of selfless love, but remember He did all those things SO THAT he could spend eternity with us and glorify himself. Therefore, He absolutely gets something out of it!”
What does the bible have to say?
Let’s look at some scripture about being selfless…
Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
1 Corinthians 10:24 "No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”
John 15:12-14 (Love here is shown as being for the good of others at the sacrifice of yourself) “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 “Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful…”
Romans 15:1-3 “Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves. Each one of us must please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even the Messiah did not please Himself.”
Romans 2:8 “ But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.”
Matthew 22:37-40 “And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Now what does the bible also have to say about taking care of yourself?
I’ll reference this one from Matthew 22:39 again “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This one implies that you will take care of yourself in such a way to be able to take care of others.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
In other words, take care of your body. I believe this means with the mind, body, and spirit.
Romans 12:1-2 “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Exodus 31:17 The Lord Himself rested although He did not need to, similarly in Mark, Jesus rested even when there were things that others needed of him.
Exodus 18:14-27 Moses's father-in-law instructs him that he is wearing himself out and that he should delineate the work to others to help
So yes, we can value self-care and taking care of ourselves, and per scripture, we should. By doing so, we are able to lift each other up by focusing on the needs of others which are acts of “less self.”
I invite you into discussion here. How does this resonate with you? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!
